A guy I thought I loved years ago came back into town to visit last weekend. He moved away about a year after I realized he was never going to marry me (or date me) but was interested in “just friends”. He comes back a few times a year and we meet to catch up. This time I was sitting there thinking, “He never kissed me. I need to fall in love with a guy who want to kiss me. Who is attracted to me.”
It is always interesting to explain that relationship to someone because their first question is “Did you kiss?” and I know that when I say, “No” the conversation is inevitably over. My five-year-ago pain was just downgraded to a low level elementary school crush. (Low level because even some fifth graders kiss underneath the slide on the playground.) But how do they know that I really loved him and that when we talked on the phone every day for hours for years I shared a part of me with him that was special.
At the end of the day, I want a guy who desires me. I am not talking about wanting to rip off my clothes and have sex right there but who WANTS to kiss me. I don’t want to waste more time pouring out my heart to a man who doesn’t want to kiss me. I want to hold hands with a guy and lean my head on his shoulder. I don’t want to be pressured to fulfill his sexual needs and get dumped when I don’t (I’ve dated that guy) but I do know the value of attraction. In the past, him visiting is hard for me but I have realized that knowing what it feels like to have a mutual chemistry with someone makes me see the difference between “Just Friends” and a boyfriend.
I think Christians sometimes downplay the physical side of a relationship in a need to be holy and confuse each other. This is not a license to go out and sleep with someone. Or have oral sex. See, look! I am already doing it. We are so worried about sliding down that slippery sexual slope that we stay in a world of side hugs, complementing ministry gifts and sitting on different couches during date night. (Did I say DATE NIGHT?! I meant to say when we “hang out”.) I shouldn’t have to spend a year or two wondering if a guy likes me and chalking up the fact that we’ve never held hands up to his desire “not to awaken love in me until it is time” according to the Song of Solomon.
Tell me I am pretty, give me a lingering full frontal hug every now and then, and stare at my lips a little too long. I don’t need a guy who is battling to stay sexually pure to kiss me immediately if he doesn’t feel he can stop there but I do think there is an in between. It is healthy to have chemistry with the person you are dating and to be able to tell them/show them you are attracted. I don’t want to ever confuse “Just Friends” for a real relationship again. I want to shake the younger version of me and say, “Wake up, Sister!! He wants to talk to you about his life but not make out. RUN! NOW!” And, guys, if you really are interested in more than friends but are serious about the side hugs until you are married tell her that. Don’t leave her guessing…or worse, to find another guy who can express his feelings!
Find a guy who thinks your amazing. Don’t spend any more time crying about one who didn’t.
