Sparkle Solo
The Truth About My Heart: Part 1


A year ago, today, I was in London lying in a bed sobbing.  SOBBING.  

My heart was shattered by disappointment.  I’d tried to find love in one guy after another that year.  Three were in ministry and two were those friends you have forever that you started to have feelings for but already resolved years before you weren’t going to date. (Because they didn’t want you.  Not because you didn’t want them.)  

And then I dated him.  He was the only guy I’d ever kissed and I never forgot him.  He was the guy I fantasized about because he was my experience.  Other guys had tried to kiss me after him but I think I felt spoiled.  Almost like when you have European Chocolate and someone offer’s you Hersheys.  The first time I saw him, all I could think was, “He’s my ideal man.”  But he was at the party on a date and, although he asked for my business card, I was so shocked when he called me months later and swept me off my feet.  He’d was so romantic and enchanting and was the movie star quality guy you dream about.  Our first kiss was on the beach in the moonlight and it was after we’d had a date in a rowboat in gardens on that beautiful pond made famous by The Notebook.  

Did I mention that I was 25 the first time I’d ever kissed a guy?

I was soooooooooo picky in high school.  And I believed I shouldn’t date someone who wasn’t as sold out to God as I was and, at the time, I believed I was headed for full time ministry and the mission field.  I was at a tiny school and those guys didn’t hang out there.  The guys who went to my church were crazy about God but also mostly just getting free of addictions so not in the position to date.  And then in college I was of the age that we all Kissed Dating Goodbye.  

After college, I followed my dream into one of the most glamorous jobs I’d ever heard of not realizing that the industry was so incredibly vile and Godless that I would be propositioned to sleep with guys on a daily basis.  I was sheltered and naive yet still knew if gorgeous guy was that upfront about his expectations for sex than he was not date-worthy.  And they were gorgeous.  And it was a daily fight.  But then I fell in love with this amazing, Christian guy who was seven years older than me and all those hot guys at work who lived for their next five beers couldn’t hold a candle to a sweet, witty and pretty good looking Bible study leader.  He broke my heart BECAUSE we never kissed but became best friends.  

And then I moved & met him.  And in three dates, after 25 years of never being kissed, I was french kissing a guy on the beach.  (Of course, I never told him that. I was afraid he’d think I was expecting him to propose the next week.  I didn’t know how to love myself then.  I thought I did, but I didn’t.) 

AMAZING video on waiting for the right man…and dating the wrong one.

"Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks and all he could whisper were sweet, empty nothings." 

Praying

I told myself that I wouldn’t take his call.  He hasn’t called me since he’s been back in the country on Monday night.  I got one text from him on Wednesday asking me how I was and then no response when I replied back.  You’d think if he was concerned about how I was doing and then heard that I was sick and not doing well that he’d bother to respond. 

I am trying to learn how to walk in forgiveness.  It is easy to say that you live a lifestyle of forgiveness yet each situation has to be dealt with very specifically.  I am forgiving him for not prioritizing me in the midst of a crazy work week for him on top of being out of the country the week before.  However, it doesn’t make me feel good to be pushed aside at a time when I have been in bed for four weeks and when I needed him.  Before he left the country things were hard.  There was one night that he shattered my feelings.  I have spent so much time with him listening. 

I know I can’t keep living like this.  He has broken my heart with neglect and then picks me back up when it is convenient for him.  I absolutely must forgive him.  I don’t want to be held in bondage by my own unforgiveness and sin.  I just wonder if I explain to him that he’s hurt me and why I am phasing him out of my life. Or if I just do it.  To continue like this is to deny my own value and self worth which I don’t want to compromise. I’ve done that too much in the past. 

I want to be gracious and loving yet protect myself at the same time.  Saying that he has hurt me feels like I am begging for attention yet the truth is, if he cares for me at all, he should care how he’s crushed my affection. 

He called me at midnight coming home from speaking.  At first, I didn’t take the call because so much resentment and hurt was rising up inside of me.  Then I felt awful for not picking up.  I called him back and he made me feel worse.  He asked me how I was and then talked about himself only to cut me off to take a phone call from his dad.  When he switched back over to me, he told me he had to go because his father had been in a wreck and, while he was okay, he needed to talk to him. Then he asked me, “Are you doing any better?”  I told him that I wasn’t because that is the absolute truth and not because I wanted him to stay on the phone. He prayed for me and then told me he’d call me on Sunday.  That is TWO DAYS from now. 

I know he had a family emergency.  I am not crazy and I should understand but I always have to understand for everything recently.  And combined with no phone call from him when I am used to hearing from him a few times a week it compounds the hurt. Ministry work is the priority in his life which would be fine if he didn’t manage to make me feel tossed aside in the midst of it when he gets busy.  I tried to work around it a few months ago and offer to drive him to and from the airport on his trips.  I would leave after dropping him off feeling physically sick from hurt.  I feel like I am giving more than he gives.  And that is a sickening feeling because you realize it is that he doesn’t want to give it. 

When You Hurt

I am hurting and I find that I get myself into the same situation.

1.  Meet a guy

2.  Hit it off with the guy in a conversation in which he discovers I’m amazing

3.  Somehow miss the on ramp to a real dating relationship

4.  Let him into my life, spend time with him, tell him my stories, hear his

5.  Start to get attached and find myself spending hours with him

6.  Talk to my girlfriends about whether I like him and he likes me

7.  Assume that he is into me even though I KNOW he would tell me if he was

8.  I feel like every guy is just clueless about dating until…

9.  Realize that he’s not clueless and he has asked girls out before

10.  Get insecure.  Realize he isn’t in love or romantically interested

11.  Get hurt and upset because he doesn’t like me.

12.  Cry for a week even though we NEVER even broke up.  I mourn anyway!

13.  Make a resolution to no longer be his emotional crutch

14.  Inevitably meet another guy who seems crazy about me & go out with him

15.  Try to forget the guy who is breaking my heart

16.  It normally doesn’t work out because who wants a girl wrapped up in another

17.  The guy I am really in love with gets offended that I saw someone else

18.  Now I realize he is upset I think maybe he really does like me.  HOORAY!

19.  Fall in love again.  For real this time.

20.  He has already pulled back.

21.  I try to make it work.  I’m in love.  For real this time.  So it has to work.

22.  I tell my friends I am crazy about him.

23.  He doesn’t live up to my expectations for loving me (because he isn’t in love)

24.  I lash out in hurt and disappointment and push him away further.

25.  I try to play it very cool.  Isolating myself from him.  Putting no pressure there.  And hyper focus on improving my appearance

26.  I don’t call.  Or text.  And I cry.  Waiting for him to call me. And hurt.

27.  Start talking about how I need to break this cycle.

28.  Continue to hope.  I believe there is someone out there for me

Dating Princes & Pastors

"There’s been a lot of speculation about every single girl I’m with and it actually does quite irritate me after a while, more so because it’s a complete pain for the girls."

~Prince William

I never considered there’s a lot of similarity between dating princes and dating pastors!

Everyone is looking and they always seem to ask the girls about the relationships instead of the pastors.  I spend so much time explaining to people that I’m NOT in a relationship or, better yet, smiling and saying, “We’re good friends but he is very focused on his ministry right now.”  Which is code for, “He is interested enough in me to talk but not enough to commit to dating. Let’s face it, I’m not competing with Jesus. It just doesn’t seem I’m what he’s looking for right now.”

Broken hearts

I think the hardest thing about getting over a broken heart is deciding what to do next. 

Where do you put all of that attention you have focused on them?  Are you ready to move on from the hopes and dreams you had interlaced with your relationship? 

I’m not.  I never am ready for that.  It hurts.  It’s hard.  You think you’ve finally found “THE ONE” and then you find out they aren’t on the same page.  Why can’t we just end up with the right person the first time? Then these day dreams you have of the house he will buy you and all the little ways you will love and care of him when you are married gets burned before your eyes.  You’ve thought about your wedding, your kids, and your life with the guy but then you are back to square one with a pain in your chest to show for your time together. 

The guy I was falling for told me I was a good friend.  OUCH. 

He is only the most recent of men in a long line that love me for something short of what I am hoping.  I feel like the kid who falls off her bike and yet keeps jumping right back up.  Hope springs eternal in my heart because I believe God has a good plan for my life and I believe that plan includes a husband.  Why? Because it is the desire of my heart to be loved and give love to someone I am committed to for the rest of my life. 

Sounds a lot like Jesus, doesn’t it?  How He loves the church is a model for how my husband should love me (and your husband should love you).  I believe that it is my job to search after God and let my husband search after me.  I’ve been single for a long time because I choose not to date the unsaved guys who come after me.  (Okay, I slipped up a bit in that area in January but God brought awful things to light about the guy in less than a day.) And I also choose not to date the saved guys who want to just make out with me but not commit to be in a relationship with me.  What misguided, disrespectful broken-hearted men!  They believe the lie that the world tells them saying “Just Friends with No Strings attached” is okay. 

I believe that my goal and mission is to find out how to live my life letting my perspective be one of joy and hope running after God instead of being depressed and disconcerted when I feel relationship and marriage isn’t happening soon enough.  But how?  Especially when you want to cry? God says that when we seek Him that He will be found by us.  I believe God loves to give us revelation into the difficult seasons of our life.  If He gave Gideon a game plan for overtaking Israel’s enemies when they were overwhelmed and the odds against them, I believe God will give us Christian singles a plan to conquer boredom, discouragement, depression, insecurity, pain and loneliness when we pray.  After Jehoshaphat prayed, he put worshipers out front to lead his army in praise God when they went into battle and the Lord killed their attackers before they even got there. 

So even though we don’t feel like moving on, we run towards that fresh hope and freedom we find in praising God for His strength and knowing that He is battling the enemy that seeks to drown you and I in broken-heartedness. 

I spent months analyzing whether or not I am attracted to a guy and then he flies into the middle of Hurricane Irene and I can’t sleep or eat. 

Does this mean I love him?

Red Flag #1: Kissing (or the lack thereof)

A guy I thought I loved years ago came back into town to visit last weekend.  He moved away about a year after I realized he was never going to marry me (or date me) but was interested in “just friends”. He comes back a few times a year and we meet to catch up.  This time I was sitting there thinking, “He never kissed me.  I need to fall in love with a guy who want to kiss me.  Who is attracted to me.”

It is always interesting to explain that relationship to someone because their first question is “Did you kiss?” and I know that when I say, “No” the conversation is inevitably over.  My five-year-ago pain was just downgraded to a low level elementary school crush.  (Low level because even some fifth graders kiss underneath the slide on the playground.)  But how do they know that I really loved him and that when we talked on the phone every day for hours for years I shared a part of me with him that was special. 

At the end of the day, I want a guy who desires me.  I am not talking about wanting to rip off my clothes and have sex right there but who WANTS to kiss me.  I don’t want to waste more time pouring out my heart to a man who doesn’t want to kiss me.  I want to hold hands with a guy and lean my head on his shoulder.  I don’t want to be pressured to fulfill his sexual needs and get dumped when I don’t (I’ve dated that guy) but I do know the value of attraction.  In the past, him visiting is hard for me but I have realized that knowing what it feels like to have a mutual chemistry with someone makes me see the difference between “Just Friends” and a boyfriend. 

I think Christians sometimes downplay the physical side of a relationship in a need to be holy and confuse each other.  This is not a license to go out and sleep with someone.  Or have oral sex.  See, look! I am already doing it.  We are so worried about sliding down that slippery sexual slope that we stay in a world of side hugs, complementing ministry gifts and sitting on different couches during date night.  (Did I say DATE NIGHT?!  I meant to say when we “hang out”.)  I shouldn’t have to spend a year or two wondering if a guy likes me and chalking up the fact that we’ve never held hands up to his desire “not to awaken love in me until it is time” according to the Song of Solomon. 

Tell me I am pretty, give me a lingering full frontal hug every now and then, and stare at my lips a little too long.  I don’t need a guy who is battling to stay sexually pure to kiss me immediately if he doesn’t feel he can stop there but I do think there is an in between.  It is healthy to have chemistry with the person you are dating and to be able to tell them/show them you are attracted.  I don’t want to ever confuse “Just Friends” for a real relationship again.  I want to shake the younger version of me and say, “Wake up, Sister!! He wants to talk to you about his life but not make out. RUN! NOW!”  And, guys, if you really are interested in more than friends but are serious about the side hugs until you are married tell her that.  Don’t leave her guessing…or worse, to find another guy who can express his feelings!

Find a guy who thinks your amazing.  Don’t spend any more time crying about one who didn’t.

True Confession Thursday: He’s A Douche

I ate five Krispy Kreme doughnuts tonight.  And watched Bridesmaids. 

You can judge me for the doughnuts.  Just don’t judge me for watching the movie until you have been in the wedding party for TWENTY weddings.  (And most of my best friends are still single!)

And then I came home and cried. Mostly because I was canceled on by a guy just a few hours before we were supposed to go to the movies together.  He was apologetic, wasn’t feeling up to it and what could I really say but I realized what I already know about myself: Don’t cancel on me.  Especially when it is too late for me to make other plans.  It makes me feel undervalued and unimportant. 

But then, my friend called and asked if I could pick her husband up because he was stranded and she was out of town.  After walking up to the WRONG MAN who looked JUST like my friend’s husband and sitting down at his table, I found the right man and headed out.  In the car ride home, I got his advice on my life including that the guy from tonight told him a few weeks ago there was nothing going on between us. EXCUSE ME???  Unexpected yet good to hear.  It makes spending less time with him make more sense. 

How do you stay sad when a friend is telling you that the last guy you liked was a stick in the mud and a douche and that the current guy you might like (but never can really decide) but who canceled on you isn’t into you like that.  That made me feel a lot less guilty about telling him that I am not the type of girl who can be constantly reschedule and canceled on.  I know his life is complicated but I don’t like the way it makes me feel. 

There is nothing like a straight talking married man who doesn’t have a lot of time for tears but lots of opinions on which of the guys I spend time with bores him.  That, and a really friendly dog to play with while hearing all of this. 

Sums it up well, doesn’t it?!
lovequotesrus:

Photo Courtesy: doesnteverybodywanttofallinlove

Sums it up well, doesn’t it?!

lovequotesrus:

Photo Courtesy: doesnteverybodywanttofallinlove

The day I stopped breaking my own heart

There is a place where you move on.  When you finally say, “Every time someone talks about forgiveness, I think about HIM.  It is time to stop praying to forgive him for the things he’s done wrong but actually move on and let him become someone I’ve forgiven.” 

It is hard to quit replaying how you’ve been hurt.  All the wrongs that have been committed against you.  But somehow, every time I think about the things he did wrong, the shame of not being loved or not being lovable starts to pour over my head like warm oil.  Not only does it reopen the hurt but it is embarrassing to remember that I wasn’t enough.  

I believe in ripping the band aids off wounds so they can heal.  Things that have happened to you in secret need to be talked about so you aren’t alone and so you can find healing and health.  But I had gotten to a place with this guy that I had already gone through a year of counseling because my perspective of my self had become so shattered.  I internalized his rejection of me as not being beautiful enough, sweet enough, good enough….I felt like no matter how hard I tried I would never be enough.  (And, Honey, I tried REALLY hard to become the woman he’d want to marry.)  Then I spent another two years learning about the love of God for me and how treasured and valued I was.  The guy and I had closure.  Things had come around to the healing point yet years later I still always felt I needed to forgive him on a weekly basis. 

Fixating on what he had done to my heart was the equivalent of ripping open a wound that had healed over only to have to let it heal all over again.  Shame, sorrow, pain, loneliness, hate, self loathing and anger were there waiting to be my friends consuming my thoughts.  There is a point where it is time to move on.  He hurt me.  I hurt him. But now I choose not to let me heart be sucked back down into the bog of emotional turmoil.  Turn FORGIVE into FORGIVEN.  You don’t always feel like it but there is something powerful to having a thought about what he did to you and, instead of playing the mental movie reel, think, “He did that to me and it hurt but I have forgiven him and I have moved on.”  It stops the inner validation cycle while you retell yourself the story again.  I choose to focus instead on why I am lovable, adorable, & beautiful.

Meet Your Emotional Crutch

He told me I would make beautiful children. 

And then he didn’t ask me out for a month. 

He started calling me twice a day.

And then when I casually spent time with another guy & he was silent for a week.

He told me I was the most desirable girl around that any guy would be in love with.

And wrote me a note thanking me for my friendship.

He asked me what type of engagement ring I wanted and introduced me to his family.

And then started talking about meeting his “future wife”. 

He brings me roses.

But doesn’t have time for me.

He wants to talk about his problems.

But can’t seem to listen to mine

Dating hurts.  Men are confusing but so are we.  I understand feeling led on and stabbed in the heart but how often do we build our fantasies and try to “insert guy” into the picture.  He may just want to be your friend.  He probably needs a listening ear to satisfy his need for validation as much as you do.  Sometimes we are terrified of being hurt but equally terrified to be alone. 

Pull off the band aid.  It is so hard to feel uncared for that we often accept less than what we should just to have someone in our life who gives us the boyfriend-y vibe.  If he doesn’t want to change your Facebook status from single to “in a relationship with…” then it may be time to re-evaluate the amount of time you spend together.  We put our hearts on hold too soon for people who haven’t full invested.  

You are amazing!  No, really, I know you are.  Don’t let self doubt or self pity entrap you.  Take your bad day to God and skip a phone call or two to your emotional crutch of a man.  He needs to miss you a little (or you need to realize he doesn’t miss you that much).  And your Heavenly Father can bring healing and hope into your life.  He’s like the rain on a thirsty ground that revives and restores.

Hang up the phone and get off his couch.  It hurts to be stabbed in the deep places where you already feel vulnerable and insecure.  Giving a guy who isn’t really into you a prominent place in your heart or your fantasies for the future can keep you from healing from past hurts and moving on.  

Fake Boyfriends

I always have a fake boyfriend in my life.  It seems to be a habit. I’m trying to work on this and break the cycle.  I am interested in REAL relationships!

Guidelines for Fake Boyfriends

1.  We don’t kiss.  Sometimes we hug.  We definitely don’t cuddle.

2.  I don’t get presents on Valentine’s Day. (They are MIA on Feb 14th)

3.  My Facebook status is “single” yet I feel guilty for talking to other guys.

4.  He pays for dinner but introduces me as his friend. 

5.  Calls me to talk every night but never says “I love you”

6.  He’s never told me I am beautiful

7.  I go to weddings solo…& parties…& church… & everywhere else

8.  He mentions getting married & knowing ONE DAY he’ll meet a girl.